Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I have sung Christmas carols.
I baked cookies.
I have shopped. and wrapped all that.
I have made Christmas crafts.
I ordered Christmas cards. and will send them once they arrive.
I have done all the things. I have checked all the boxes.
I am more ready for Christmas than I ever have been.
Except Michael's first Christmas. But he had surgery on the 15th.
And I didn't know how much time he would be in the hospital.
I got it all done. Much like now.
His first Christmas here. His first Christmas gone.
I can't seem to get into the spirit. I go through the motions.
Because my boy loved all that came with Christmas.
All the shopping and the Christmas crafts and the songs and the cookies.
Posing for the Christmas card photo shoot.
Which I sometimes never sent out the Christmas card.
I turn the Christmas radio station off when I'll be Home for Christmas comes on.
Or Feliz Navidad.
I resist the urge to buy boy toys. Shopping
was easier this year.
And so much harder.
I push myself to get into the hustle. And the bustle.
But I come home and sit for hours. Because plastering on a smile is hard work.
I'm looking for the magic. And the joy.
And coming up empty.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Friday, December 04, 2009
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
"Christmas is about love, baby jesus being born and happiness. Wait there are four things … I can’t remember the fourth. Happiness, love, baby jesus being born and giving. That’s right giving." Michael, 12/10/2008
How glad was I to find that little nugget? So glad that I typed it out. To remember. Little did I know last year what this year would look like.
Tonight I plan to put up Michael's tree. The one with all of the ornaments that he picked out over the years. This would have been our activity for tonight. Would have been.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Before her bath there.
I just couldn't take the quiet of the house any longer.
Stu and I came home yesterday. Unloaded the car. And left.
It was too quiet to be here.
I go away. And come back expecting a different result.
Like my house will once again be full of noise. And toys to step on.
Little socks and Star Wars underwear waiting to be washed.
Science Fair projects to start and be glued to backer boards.
But there is nothing.
Just quiet. Just the distant memory of laughter.
Today I am thankful for:
LifeWaters. These are little treats to me in this phase of my shrinking plan.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Be back tomorrow with something a bit more.
Today I am thankful for:
Time with my family this week. I have enjoyed two holiday meals with my family and have loved my time at my parent's house. I am reminded of how blessed I am to call these wonderfully nutty folks mine.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Eat all of the sweet treats you want. Go all in.
Take pictures of your family and friends. Preferably as they are smearing veggies on their face, milking it up and smashing their face in cake.
Monday, November 23, 2009
I made the wreath below out of an old book I had lying around. I'll probably keep this one up year round. (That is my grandad in the picture - isn't he handsome?) And that sword was Michael's. He had many adventures with it.
Hands down my favorite nativity set. Because of the memories associated with it. It was my mom and dad's. They gave it to me last year. The family dog, in his first Christmas at the house, snuck off with baby Jesus in his teeth. The wood still shows some teeth impressions from him. Makes me smile when I walk past it.
Michael and I made these trees last year out of fabric and buttons. It was one of our advent activities for the season.
I haven't yet put up everything. Just a little jump start. I'll put up other items in time. When the time feels right.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Missing our little buddy. This day. Everyday.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
This is the New Kids on the Walk. My team for the 3 Day walk for Breast Cancer. We walked 60 miles together. We camped. Indoors in pink tents. We wore pink leg warmers. And I loved spending time with them. Such a fantastic group of women. I still need to blog about those 3 Days!
This is one of the bulletin boards that I made. I know. It is so bright. Lots of color. Lots going on. But that is kind of the way my house is. You should all come over so you can see what I mean.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
For those who have not seen the movie or the stage production, and do not want the ending ruined here ... I would suggest you stop reading. Don't say that I didn't warn you.
At the end of the play, the character made famous by Julia Roberts, Shelby dies. She had a long battle with diabetes, goes into a coma, and passes away. Shelby's mom, M'Lynn is asked how she is doing.
In a moment of anguish, she says "I am fine! I am great! I could jog to Texas and back but my daughter cannot and never could." This is the moment that I let loose with a flood of tears. I could not help but think how I could relate. My son has a half a heart.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 09, 2009
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Today I am thankful for the game Banana Grams. And Ultimate Fighting Championship cage match fights. Weird combo. But totally made for a fun Saturday night with my folks. We laughed and enjoyed our time together. And I won at Banana Grams. Really stomped them. Which is always more fun than being stomped, I think.
And I am thankful for an impromptu trip to their house. To spend time with just them. They might spoil me ... but just a little. It was a good thing.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
I'd like to work my way up through the depths of this despair.
So. With that in mind, I will write out one thing that I am grateful for each day. No matter how small. (And some days it may be very small.) One thing that I am thankful for. I won't usually devote an entire post to it - I'll just make a note at the end.
I'll start with the most obvious. I am thankful for the joy of my 9 3/4 years with Michael. I am thankful to know the joy that he brought me. The joy of being a mother. His mother. The joy of his hand in mine. The joy of his delightful wit and humor. The joy of his funky dance moves. The joy of his curiosity. The joy of his sound effects. The joy of his love of plastic army men. And Star Wars. The joy of doing homework. And signing his Friday folders.
The joy of our time together. Short as it was.
I am thankful for Michael.
Friday, November 06, 2009
The photo above is the screen saver on my phone. Love that sweet Mama's boy!
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
I'm not sure that I have a great answer to that yet.
I decided to manage expectations by answering in this way:
"Oh, [tennis opponent], this is an awkward question for me. And I don't have a good answer for it. So I'll just tell you... I have a son. Who died in April. He was 9."
[insert uncomfortable silence]
And she said she was sorry and that she was sorry that she asked the question. I told her I was sorry too and no need to apologize for asking. It is a common question.
I just don't quite know how to answer it so that I don't make the other person feel bad and so that I don't cry, awkwardly, in front of a stranger in between sets of a tennis match. The tears tend to blur my vision when I am serving.
I need to practice a better response. I'm just not certain, yet, what a better response would be.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Hi Friends and Family:
Last year, I walked every step of the 3 Day Walk for Breast Cancer. I did that with the support of my family and friends. My supporters who donated, and gave me words of encouragement and came out to the Cheering Stations to root me on. All of you. Thank you. For supporting me in my crazy adventure. For asking about it when I got back. For cheering me from afar. For making posters and leaving them on my front step. My family. My friends.
I came home with 6 blisters on my left foot. But also with a feeling that I could accomplish anything. I loved every moment of the walk. It was hard. It was long. It was rainy. But I made a great new friend along the way. I heard amazing stories of survival. And amazing stories of loss. I manicured my nails in my Gram’s signature red. I wore her jewelry. I carried her photo. I shared her story with my new friends.
I wanted to be a part of that experience again. I promptly signed up for the walk again. Visions of more training walks and fundraising events danced in my head. The training schedule called for starting in May. No problem … I signed up for the walk in November. I had plenty of time.
And then in April, my world came crashing down when my sweet Michael passed away. Suddenly. On a Thursday.
This walk was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t want to do anything. Let alone walk or fundraise or even get out of bed.
I have had 5 months to consider this decision. I made a decision to do the walk a few months ago. But I waffled again. Michael was such a part of the walk last year. He brought me band-aids. And Icy Hot. And gave me the best hugs at the Cheering Stations. He was so proud of me. He told his friends at school about it. He wanted to walk with me when he was old enough. He had plans to make posters this year.
How could I complete this without him?
How could I not do it? I made a commitment. I will stick to it. Michael will be with me every step of the way. Of this I am sure.
So. I have started my training in earnest. Am I ready for the walk? Nope. But I have a good start. I will be completing my long walks this weekend. To get a feel for where I am. I have 6 weeks to get ready. A condensed training schedule, to be sure. But I’ll make it work.
I have angels on my side. Michael and my Grams.
I’ll walk. Because they can’t.
I am once again coming to you to ask that you consider donating to this cause. To this walk. To stop Breast Cancer. I have the daunting task of raising $2300.00 in 6 weeks. I should probably be worried. But I’m not.
Have I mentioned that I have angels on my side? Michael and my Grams. And all of YOU.
Here is the link to my personal donation page. You will be able to add your donation on-line here or print out the donation form to mail in your donation.
If you are so inclined, please send my e-mail to your family and friends as well. And finally, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I'm going to need them.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Friday, August 07, 2009
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Though you're gone, you're still here
In my heart, in my tears
Yeah you sure left your mark and we were just getting started
It wasn't long enough, it wasn't long enough... Together...
But it was long enough, yeah, it was long enough... to last forever...
Sometimes I get so mad; I scream and swear at this
Cuz' this, isn't how we planned it
I sit here, in a cold room... Prayin'
Waiting on you
To run back through that door, the way it was before
You left, it wasn't long enough, it wasn't long enough... together
But it was long enough; yeah it was long enough to last, forever...
I feel Cheated (I feel Cheated), defeated (can't believe it)
Can't believe that you're gone (your gone, your gone)
It wasn't long enough.