Sunday, November 01, 2009

bitter. better.

Here's the truth: I am having a difficult time coming up with a first post for November. Or for the past few weeks. I think I am worried about all of you. What you might think. What you might infer. So. I have decided to get over myself and just write what I know. What I feel. What my days are like.

So here goes.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the concept that grief will make you bitter or better. I have jumped into the bitter with both feet. Landing squarely in the middle. And wallowing in it. I've made a home for myself there.

I don't quite understand the better part. How am I to be better when Michael's absence is so profound? How am I to be better when the best part of me is gone? I find the concept that I could be better almost offensive.

I'm looking for something in the middle.
I am not there.
I sometimes feel like I have a handle on things.
But I am wrong.


Anonymous said...

My first thought is ... do not give a second thought to what 'we' would think or what 'we' infer. This is your blog and your grief. If bitterness is one of the spices mixed into the melting pot of your grief journey ... there you go. It is certainly understandable. I do not think there is a single person reading your blog who judges you. What you feel and what you know and what your days are like .... most of us cannot even imagine the pain, much less put it into words the way you do, in such a selfless, poignant way. You deserve your bitterness and your own personal journey with your grief. Perhaps one day you can mix in the 'better' spice ... but obviously the recipe is not calling for that at the moment. It needs time ... YOU need time. The 'guilty' spice does not fit into that recipe, so leave it out..... I also pledge to read your blog every day of November and think about you all constantly.

Kim said...

Wow, I completely agree with the anonymous comment above and can't imagine a better way to put it. Love you, my friend!

Anonymous said...

If you write, I will read. I agree, noone here will judge you. We are here b/c we love you. You are so brave for writing. If there is a place called better, you can probably only get there on a road named bitter.

Tammy On the Go said...

In agreement with all of the above, my respect for your willingness to share is beyond words.

Susan said...

I don't understand the better part either. You sum it up so precisely, so succinctly. You've lost your child, your joy. How could that make you better? It will be a long, lonely road I expect before you make it there. You are so brave to share your journey with us. Thinking of you. Love you. Susan