that.

I was reminded of this sweet memory today while working with at a friend's house.

When Michael was little, he couldn't quite say Grandma in reference to my mom. In fact, he wouldn't say it. He called her truck at first. Trucks were his favorite things as a toddler. So this was flattery in its highest form. Really.

One night, I had Michael name everyone around the table during a visit to my mom and dad's house. I pointed to myself. Mommy. I pointed to my dad. Pa. I pointed to my mom. That.

That. So funny. Where did he get that? It makes me laugh just thinking of it.

Luckily, That didn't stick around for long. In fact, that might have been the only time that it was used. Nana became the chosen name for my mom. It suits her.

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Today I am thankful for:

Time spent with a dear friend. And Diet Coke.

this time of year

I am a stickler for tradition. I have mentioned that before. I am especially so at this time of year. I like to know that we are going to play Bingo, that each of us will have new pajamas on Christmas eve. I like to plan our Advent Activities now. Looking for fun things to do or make during the month of December.

I like the arrival of the Look Books from the department stores and watching Michael circle what he would like this year. Those just arrived this week. I saved them. For what, I am not yet certain.

One of my favorite traditions of the holiday season is to look through the aisles of Christmas things at Target. I look forward to the time just before - sometimes after - Halloween when the ornaments are unveiled. And I always think that perhaps this is the year that I will find the perfect tree topper. Michael and I would spend quite a bit of time in these aisles in the months of October through December.

I found myself in those aisles in the days before Halloween. I went to get candy for our trick or treaters. It didn't occur to me that this would be the day that the aisles would be filled with holiday decoration. The bags of candy were a mere two aisles away. And I couldn't turn away. I went up and down the Christmas aisles. And cried my tears.

I admired the brightly colored ornaments and the twinkling lights. I delighted in the ornament garland strung from a white tree. We have a white tree. Stu bought it on super sale last season. And we have never had the chance to put it up. This garland would be so festively fantastic on that new addition to our Christmas decor.

I looked through the themed ornaments. And wondered which ones Michael would have chosen for his tree this year. We've been collecting ornaments for the tree in his room over the years - he got to pick one (or a set) of ornaments every year. The past two years, he has chosen Star Wars. Another unanswered musing. Add it to the list of others.

I don't know how my love of tradition will work this year. I don't know. Perhaps participating in some of the same traditions. Perhaps making a few new ones. We'll wade through it. The best we can.

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Today I am thankful for:

My hot glue gun. I really enjoyed breaking it out. Dusting it off. Adding fabric and ribbon to some simple cork boards for my office. I was reminded of craft days at my Grandma's house. [Once I hang the boards, I will post a picture of them here for all to see.]

i lied

Yesterday, I said that I wouldn't dedicate whole posts to what I was grateful for that day. But today I am tired, so I'll start that trend tomorrow. I'm just delaying the rules. Totally fine, right?

Today I am thankful for the game Banana Grams. And Ultimate Fighting Championship cage match fights. Weird combo. But totally made for a fun Saturday night with my folks. We laughed and enjoyed our time together. And I won at Banana Grams. Really stomped them. Which is always more fun than being stomped, I think.

And I am thankful for an impromptu trip to their house. To spend time with just them. They might spoil me ... but just a little. It was a good thing.

gratitude

During this season of Thanksgiving, I find it difficult to cultivate a heart of gratitude. This is not surprising as I continue to struggle with my feelings of bitterness. I don't want to be bitter. I don't. I just find it easy to wallow in my sadness. To wallow in my feelings of unfairness. And unjustness. And anger.

I'd like to work my way up through the depths of this despair.

So. With that in mind, I will write out one thing that I am grateful for each day. No matter how small. (And some days it may be very small.) One thing that I am thankful for. I won't usually devote an entire post to it - I'll just make a note at the end.

I'll start with the most obvious. I am thankful for the joy of my 9 3/4 years with Michael. I am thankful to know the joy that he brought me. The joy of being a mother. His mother. The joy of his hand in mine. The joy of his delightful wit and humor. The joy of his funky dance moves. The joy of his curiosity. The joy of his sound effects. The joy of his love of plastic army men. And Star Wars. The joy of doing homework. And signing his Friday folders.

The joy of our time together. Short as it was.
I am thankful for Michael.

the self portrait

My cousin, Melissa and I were into self portraits long before they were a MySpace/Facebook/Teen Queen fad. We have many, many pictures of our cheeks pressed against one another. Every holiday, every family gathering, every time we are together ... we take our traditional picture.

I continued this tradition with Michael. We also took family portraits this way. Photo Booth, on my Mac, was Michael and I's favorite. We put together some videos. Took some pictures. Our faces together. Being silly. These are some of my favorite photos now.

The photo above is the screen saver on my phone. Love that sweet Mama's boy!

One of our first Photo Booth sessions...
Before the Christmas chorus concert that FSU performs every year. This was an advent activity at Christmas.
My favorite family photo. Taken during our first trip to Disney World. For Michael's 8th birthday.

five things about my grief

I thought I would share five things that I experience in grief. These are not my top five things. They are just the five that come to my fingertips the quickest. And I am a list person.

I share these because ... well I know it is difficult to imagine. It is difficult to imagine if you haven't experienced a devastating loss. And in my efforts to be transparent in this time of life, I share my grief with you.

1. Nothing that anyone says will make things better. Or easier. In fact, I probably don't remember much of what people have told me these past [almost] 7 months. But I remember the kindness of my family and friends and strangers. I know that it is hard to know what to say. What does matter is that you say something. Anything.

2. I want to talk about Michael. I might cry. It is a strong possibility that I will. But I love to share stories about him. I love to hear your stories about him. I love to hear that his life made an impact on those around him.

3. There is no time table for grief. I cannot snap out of it or give you a mythical deadline for when I will be all better. This grief. Will last forever.

4. Grief feels like I am treading water. And I sometimes dip below the surface. Unable to breathe. The slightest push sends me below.

5. I, at the tender age of 33, have lost my innocence. I have lost the carefree-ness of being able to think about the future. To think about what a year from now will be like. I knew that loss was a possibility. I understood that death happened. I understood that tomorrow was not promised. Or so I thought. In my mind, death is what comes to those that have lived long lives. It does not happen to those in their 40s, or their 30s, or just before their 10th birthday. Because that would be unfair. And life, as I have learned, is anything but fair.

the question.

I was asked again tonight if I have kids.
I'm not sure that I have a great answer to that yet.
I decided to manage expectations by answering in this way:

"Oh, [tennis opponent], this is an awkward question for me. And I don't have a good answer for it. So I'll just tell you... I have a son. Who died in April. He was 9."

[insert uncomfortable silence]

And she said she was sorry and that she was sorry that she asked the question. I told her I was sorry too and no need to apologize for asking. It is a common question.

I just don't quite know how to answer it so that I don't make the other person feel bad and so that I don't cry, awkwardly, in front of a stranger in between sets of a tennis match. The tears tend to blur my vision when I am serving.

I need to practice a better response. I'm just not certain, yet, what a better response would be.