Thursday, December 17, 2009

breaking point

I hit my breaking point today.

I have been building towards it for a long while.
I have this ability to push things aside. To deal with at another time.
Today was that other time.

This past month has been difficult.
First holidays without Michael.
A time of remembrance. A time to reflect.
Not making new memories with him.
It is difficult. To put it mildly.
Also. My debit card number was stolen. A spending spree at Walgreen's and Staples ensued.
I filed a police report at the request of my bank. The money was put back into our account.

I'm fighting the urge to pull back from everyone.
I am a downer. This time of year is joyous for most. As it should be.
I don't want to put a damper on anyone's fun.
So I struggle with being real. And putting on a brave face.
And the tug of war between the two.
I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

I received a phone call today that just pushed me over the edge.
Really it was more of a nudge. Nothing really.
She was calling with misinformation. I attempted to correct it. She was snippy.
We hung up.
I got angry. I called her back.
Asked if she had children.
I was ugly. Ugly. with a capital U-G-L-Y.
I yelled. I shook. I cried.
The poor woman on the other end tried to talk. I told her to hush it. I wasn't done.
Then I was done. And we hung up.
I cried. Big alligator, can't catch my breath tears.
Because what a terrible person I was to this person. And I felt sorry for myself.

I used to say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. And I wish that he didn't trust me so much. What happens when you have reached full capacity? What happens when it IS, in fact, more than you handle? What then?


Ordinary Mom said...

Oh i'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could say that would make a difference. I just can't imagine how you are feeling at the moment. Don't feel bad for the way you are feeling. Don't feel bad for yelling at that lady...i'm sure in the long run she will understand. I am praying for you and hope that you and your husband can make it through Christmas with some peace.

keri said...

maybe God DOES give us more than we can handle sometimes...i think in your case its true. losing a child is unbearable and i honestly don't know how you have coped the way you have. and when we can't handle something, we all run to something. i'm sure his hopes are that we would run to him. and there is lots of grace for you my friend....even when you yell at someone on the phone. lots of grace. hugs to you.

Mom said...

I'm glad you had someone to lash out at. I understand and you should not feel bad. Better to lash out at someone you don't know than someone you love and cannot take back what has been said. She was there for you this day. Just understand that and move one. I'm grateful for her. You are a good person who was just pushed to the breaking point. She was put there for you. As a way to be able to release.

You are an angel.

BKicklighter said...

Again today. . I love you, Dooley.

Karen said...

I think I know now how you got to be in the 'Amazing Mom' status. You were taught by the best, weren't you? Your mom is an amazing mom and you grew up to be an amazing mom by watching her. You have an amazing mom; so does Michael.

Tammy On the Go said...

I did get more than I could handle when my sister was suffereing unbearably with cancer. I reamember collapsing on my kitchen floor and banging my broom as hard as I could on the wood and yelling at God and then just falling silent. when the words from a song playing on the radio came floating into the room where I laid on the floor and I felt hte hand of God say -I am here. the words were from a Nicole C Mullens song and this is what I heard..."Who told the moon where to hide till the evening, and who told the ocean you can only come this far....I know my redeemer lives, I know my redeemer lives....".... I just needed to remember her and I were not alone.

Martha R said...

I don't think you're a downer. You don't have to hesitate around me or any of the family either - be real - be you - exactly as you are that very second - we'll love you all the more and help you any way we can!

Anonymous said...

I've asked myself the same question. When I went had that meltdown and ended up in the hospital, it was more than I could bare. I felt like a terrible wife, daughter, andfriend. The worst part was knowing and living with how I had let Tony down. how I had robbed him of a good moomy. I asked myself everyday why God thought I was strong enough for this. because I wasn't. I worried about what would happen to my family if God was wrong. After 3 years, I have finally be able to see things clearly. I still don't understand why he made my son suffer like that, but he could handle it. and eventually, so could I. I know it's not the same, but I think that feeling of fear and question, is. nicole

Anonymous said...

Sweetheart: You have never been, nor will you ever be a burden on anyone! EVER! Do not feel guilty. You have a right to anger. I cannot being to imagine the extent of your pain, and more often than not, I have no idea what to say to help you. It's excrutiating to feel so helpless. You MUST always know that you are loved so very dearly, and even though we may not have the right words, we are with you every step of this horrible road to "getting through". Keep taking it one day at a time. Keep writing. Know we are reading and listening. Feel our love catching you in a huge hug....just holding on. That's what we have to do. But, we'll do it together. As long as we have breath you and Stu will never be alone. And we will NEVER, ever forget our precious Michael. He will always be our little precious angel. We love you - Aunt Joani & Uncle Bob

Dawn said...

Dear Jenn,

I just wanted to pop in to say I have been thinking of you at this special time of the year...wondering how you were doing. I didn't expect it to read any differently.....I'm so sorry. I have no idea how hard this must all be - and I pray I never find out. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers - if only we could take some of the burden of grief from your shoulders - but that is not possible - and for that I am sorry.

Heart Hugs to you..........and love,

Dawn (mum to Findlay, 7, HRHS - Australia)