I have been building towards it for a long while.
I have this ability to push things aside. To deal with at another time.
Today was that other time.
This past month has been difficult.
First holidays without Michael.
A time of remembrance. A time to reflect.
Not making new memories with him.
It is difficult. To put it mildly.
Also. My debit card number was stolen. A spending spree at Walgreen's and Staples ensued.
I filed a police report at the request of my bank. The money was put back into our account.
I'm fighting the urge to pull back from everyone.
I am a downer. This time of year is joyous for most. As it should be.
I don't want to put a damper on anyone's fun.
So I struggle with being real. And putting on a brave face.
And the tug of war between the two.
I don't want to be a burden on anyone.
I received a phone call today that just pushed me over the edge.
Really it was more of a nudge. Nothing really.
She was calling with misinformation. I attempted to correct it. She was snippy.
We hung up.
I got angry. I called her back.
Asked if she had children.
I was ugly. Ugly. with a capital U-G-L-Y.
I yelled. I shook. I cried.
The poor woman on the other end tried to talk. I told her to hush it. I wasn't done.
Then I was done. And we hung up.
I cried. Big alligator, can't catch my breath tears.
Because what a terrible person I was to this person. And I felt sorry for myself.
I used to say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. And I wish that he didn't trust me so much. What happens when you have reached full capacity? What happens when it IS, in fact, more than you handle? What then?