2009: i bid you adieu

2009 is coming to a close and with it a decade.

At the end of December in 1999, I was in Cincinnati, Ohio. With my almost 6 month old. He had undergone two heart surgeries, two catheritizations. Many doctor visits. He came through all like a champ. With Mighty Mike embroidered on a blanket.

The promise of not only a new year but also a new decade. A very new chapter in my life as a new mom. To this most fantastic little one.

I was ready for the adventures that awaited us. In this new decade.

At the end of this December in 2009, I am in Tallahassee, Florida. With my son's memory. He had undergone three heart surgeries, seven catheritizations. Many doctor visits. He came through those like a champ.

And yet. On the morning of April 9th. He died. Inexplicably. Without warning.

2009, and this decade, are coming to a close. And I should be ready to leave them behind.

I'm not.

I have this need to hold onto this year.

This last year that I spent with my son laughing. And talking. And playing. And dreaming.

The last year of Michael's life. Not a full year. Just three months. Nine days.

And so as we usher in 2010, it is not with joy. Or the promise of a better year.

It is just the first, of many, years. That Michael will not be with us.

I want to hold onto 2009, as horrific as it has been.

Because at least for part of it.

Michael was running. And laughing.

And living.