Wednesday, September 16, 2009

staying home

I just don't know what to do with myself.

I quit my job just a week ago. A full week of my part time position. Mixed in with some trips to the gym. And more than a little sadness.

Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful for this time. This time to heal. And grieve. And stay in my bed if I need to. I am grateful that I have some work to keep my mind working. I am grateful to belong to a gym where I can sweat and see the Fabio look-a-like sweating alongside me.

But the house is quiet. I turn the TV on just to provide some background noise. For as long as I have had a child, I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to be home with Michael. I was able to work it out with my ex-job to work different hours so that I could be home on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. So I got to be a part-time stay at home mom with full time job responsibilities. I loved those days. Before fourth grade, my favorite place to be was the car pick-up line. I got there early, armed with my Diet Coke and my lastest read. When the bell rang, I would search the crowd of elementary school students for my Michael. I could pick out his face pretty quickly. Like I was drawn to him. Then with fourth grade, Michael walked home from school. I would wait on the front steps. I could hear him before I saw him usually. He liked to talk to himself. Make up stories. Sound effects.

I loved our afternoons together. Tuesdays for the library; Thursdays for Young Actors and the Atlanta Bread Company. And Fridays were my favorites. No rush to finish homework. No going anywhere. Sometimes we'd put on our pajamas and watch cartoons. And perhaps nap. Or we would watch YouTube. Or have a Friday night dance party. We usually ordered pizza. It was good.

And now I feel guilty. That I wasn't able to stay home when Michael was living. That I wasn't able to spend the other two afternoons with him. That I am able to stay home now to grieve and to mourn. To figure out what I am to do next.

And I just don't know where to begin...


Cindy said...

You will figure it all out in time. These are still early days, Jenn. Everything is still so new and I'm sure it feels all wrong. One day, one breath, one step at a time. We are all here for you. xoxoxo

Kim said...

I think guilt is just something that Mothers have NO MATTER what! If we work, we feel guilty. If we stay home, we feel guilty for needing a break. You can live with the knowledge that you used every moment with Michael to the fullest and always had FUN! You are one of the best moms I have ever know! Love you!

Anonymous said...

Kim is right. I have stayed home and I have worked. Either way I feel guilty because I'm not sure I am always giving my best "momminess."
Tony got to do the flag duties today. I had to choose between making my boss upset by leaving work for 15 mins or disappointing Tony. I went to with Tony. I felt guilty doing it, but I'm glad I did.
Anyway, I just want you to know that I love you and pray for you everyday.