Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Today I decided to do a work out video in my bedroom. Don't laugh. It is just that ... I had walked my 3 miles at the gym. But I am embarrassed to use the weights. I know. It's ridiculous. So I decided to do my Hi-Def Firm video. In the privacy of my own home. Where no one can see me struggle. Or grunt. Or sweat.

Because no one else is doing that in the gym. Uh. Huh.

I don't often use the DVD player in our bedroom. I'm not much of a home movie watcher. Unless it is a made for TV movie. Or a TBS Sunday afternoon special. Then I am all in.

When I opened the DVD player this afternoon, out popped ELF. Michael and I's favorite Christmas movie. We watched it all the time during the Christmas season. We love it. And I think that the last time we watched it was just before the Christmas holidays. It was part of our Advent activity for the day. Popped popcorn. Hot Cocoa. And Elf. In my room with our pajamas.

We had our favorite parts. And would sing while at Target ... I'm in a Store and I'm singing ... every time we went together over the season.

This DVD ... just reminded me of the precious moments that I am missing. It was a surprise reminder of the precious moments that I took for granted. Over the holiday season. I just assumed that I would have another Christmas. And another. And another. I just assumed that I would have years with my son.

I assumed that I would see him graduate fifth grade. And then high school. And then college. I assumed that I would see Michael grown up and perhaps have children of his own.

I assumed that I would get to watch Elf again. With him. In our pajamas.

I don't know that I will ever be that carefree again. To take for granted the many days I might have with someone. To be able to plan for the future without fear that the main person in that far off thought will not be there.

I made assumptions. I thought we had more memories to make.
And this Elf DVD ... it reminded me once again. That I don't.


Mom said...

Oh my dear sweet Jennifer. You made the most of every day with Michael. You are the best Mother I will ever know. To watch you and Michael together was a precious gift.

I love you.

Cindy said...

It's such a shock, isn't it, when something like this happens? There you are trying to do a work out and then - poof- a trigger. There is no way to prepare for that stuff. It just shows up.
Jenn, Those precious memories of Michael and the special times that the two of you shared can NEVER be taken away from you. You were the absolute best Mom that you could have been in the time that you had with your sweet boy.
Still no consolation, I know, but just a few random thoughts I wanted to share. <3 you, friend.

Kim said...

ditto. its a million little things. Love you!