Tuesday, September 29, 2009

final

It still shocks me. The finality of it all.
I will never see my son again. Except in my mind. In my memories. In videos. In pictures.
Like right now. I can't sleep. Because it hit me once again.
This finality.

I have this typical Michael phrase that I play in my head. Daily. I have this fear that one day I won't remember the way he said it. Or the way he put emphasis on certain syllables.

I fear the not remembering.
I am afraid.

I am awkward amongst people. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I can say that I am OK. I'm not. I can laugh. But it is not sincere. It is not filled with joy.

I am afraid of not experiencing joy again.
My family was happy. We were loving. We were close.

And now, we just exist. As if waiting for something. Anything.
Days are meant to be gotten through. Not lived.
My days are just hallways to my nights. My nights are the passageways to a new day.

Just when I think that I have hit the depths of despair.
I find a new level.

8 comments:

Tammy On the Go said...

I struggle wih words because I don't know your loss. Just know that when you write you remind me to pray for you. With HOpe I will meet you one day.

Mom said...

I know baby. I know. I feel it too. I love you and my heart aches for you.
Love,
Mom

Karen said...

You are on my heart.

Kim said...

Your writing never ceases to amaze me...I love you and am always here for you.....balina

Lynese said...

Don't have the right words.
xxxx

Cindy said...

Thinking of you, Jenn. And praying for you, too. I love you and am here for you if you need or want to talk.
xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Jenn, I am here still praying for you!

Love, Denise (Tyler's mom)( I have been hugging him alot tighter).

southernjoy said...

My friend who lost a child 2 years ago has made these exact comments. She smiles, she laughs... but she said that there is no joy behind it. She is now saying that there are moments when she's starting to feel joy again. And yes, it makes her feel guilty. As her friend, and as yours, I continue to pray...