Sunday, August 09, 2009

four months

Today is my birthday. It is also four months since that terrible day in April.

This is the month that Michael would have started 5th grade. He had wanted to start walking to school. By himself. I told him that we would wait until 5th grade to make that decision. Another decision that I won't make. Because it has already been decided for me.

I am jealous of all of the parent's that are picking out first day outfits. And new backpacks. And fresh supplies. I am jealous of the jubilation of moms that are sending their children back to school. That doesn't mean that I don't want to hear about it. I just wish I was experiencing the same emotions. The same routines that are supposed to come every year. But they don't. Not for Michael. Not for me.

When we were on vacation lounging by the pool, I could hear the cries of "Mom" from some kids on the beach. It struck me that I may never have someone call me that again. That I may never know that joy again. I read a quote by someone (I am too lazy to look up the exact quote or who said it): To be a mom is to wear your heart on your sleeve. I get it. I might change it up a bit ... To be a mom of a child that is no longer with you is to have your heart ripped off your sleeve, stomped on and given back to you. To hot glue back together.

A friend asked if my wounds were starting to heal. I told him not really. My wounds just scab over. And I pick it off. again. and again. and again.

I am in a very low place. I think this place is reserved for those days that are supposed to be special. But won't have the same significance ever again. Because how could they? When I am not complete.

It has been 4 months. And I miss my Michael more with each passing day.
Not a minute goes by that he is not in my thoughts.
Love you, boopy.


9 comments:

Lisa said...

I knew this would be a rough day, since your birthday is also a reminder of Michael's death four months ago today. It was the first thing I thought of this morning. I'm sure it's hard to feel the joy of a day that's always been special to you without Michael next to you to share in the celebration. I know your thoughts are on him today instead of yourself, since he provided so much joy in your life. Thinking of you both, with much love.

Cindy said...

On your birthday and every day, I am grateful for you and for your friendship. Love you, Jenn.

Anonymous said...

As always, I wish there was something I could say, something I could do. All I can do is cry with you from afar.
Love you,
Nicole

Tammy On the Go said...

you are in my heart and I pray for you.
tally mom.

Stacie said...

Oh, Jen! I'm feeling for you the way someone who can't really get it, but has come close enough to knowing the death of a child is a reality can. Does that make sense? As I think I always comment (or at least think while I am commenting) - my heart breaks for you. Hang in there. And thanks for being so open about your current feelings. It helps us know how to better pray for you.

Much love,
Stacie Smith

Mom said...

I love you Jenn.

Ange said...

I echo Stacie's comments, my friend.I don't completely know how you're feeling, but having come so close myself, my heart is breaking for you. I love you!

Jenny said...

I know it isn't the same, and I've hesitated to mention this for a few weeks. I wonder how it would be for you to shop for school supplies and give them to some kids who would otherwise go without? In Michael's name. A way to honor him, and the fact that you'll always be a Mom. It's a thought I've had over and over when you talk about school, so I finally thought I'd share it.

I think of you often, and keep you and your family and Michael in my prayers.

Jenny

Anonymous said...

Where did you go? Thinking about you always and hope all is well .... well, as well as it could be. I think about your family a lot, especially through this back-to-school season. Please know that Michael is always in our thoughts