Sunday, August 02, 2009

thirty eight dollars

I got the bill for Michael's last day on Sunday. Technically, I received it sometime between Thursday and Saturday. But I was just home from vacation. And it was in the mail box.


This is how much I owe the hospital where Michael was taken. This is the amount after our health insurance has paid their portion. It doesn't seem enough. I would pay 1000 times that amount. If only they would have revived him. If only their efforts could have brought him back. From the beat that couldn't fall in line. From a heart that was tired.


I would gladly pay that amount. If Michael was still here with me.
But I don't want to pay them.
The amount that I am to pay for their efforts.


I'm going to let it sit. And not pay it yet. It seems like yet another step towards closing out the events of the day. To pay for the work the hospital did to keep Michael alive. They didn't. And here we are. I'm not ready to close out that day. I'm not ready to pay a small amount for the failed attempt at keeping Michael's heart beating. I'm not ready.

And so they can bill me again.
Until I am ready.


Anonymous said...

Dearest Jenn ... I don't have any words other than that to say that I'm thinking of you even though I'm scared to even try to imagine the pain you're going through.

With love from Scotland,
Catherine (Mum to one very beloved child ... a boy) x

Anne said...

Somehow.. I can understand this....I had had to pay some lasts granddaughter, my mom...I really felt the same way that you are feeling...let them bill you again....