Friday, August 07, 2009

it is the little things.

I have a constant stream of Michael thoughts throughout the day. I am constantly thinking of him. Or reminded of him. It doesn't stop. I'm glad. I don't want to forget.

Today I am reminded of the little things. I thought I would list five here, because these are the ones I was thinking about this morning. This hour. I could list five hundred. And probably will. But not at the same time.

1. I am reminded of how when I would hear a crash from his room, he would shout "I'm OK". Before I even had a chance to ask. Or see what was up. He just wanted me to know that I didn't have to worry about him. He was OK.

2. I am reminded that when he was really upset about something, he wouldn't want to talk about it. He would bury his head in my chest and cry. And then start to tell me about it, in between sobs. He wasn't upset often. But when he was, he let loose.

3. I am reminded how my favorite place to be was in the car pick-up line at school. With my McDonald's diet coke. And how when I would see him waiting with the other kids, my heart skipped a beat. Because I got to see my buddy. Fresh from school. With an afternoon to enjoy together. When he started walking home from school this past year, my favorite place to be was waiting on the front porch for him. With my can of diet coke. I could usually hear him before he got to the driveway. He liked to talk to himself, out loud. Complete with sound effects.

4. When Michael was little, he wore a hat constantly. The only place the hat was not worn was in the bathtub. But as soon as he was dried off and dressed in pajamas, he would put that hat back on. He slept in it. He went through surgeries and procedures in it. He didn't use a pacifier or have a blanket or suck on his thumb. He had a hat. I worried that when the time for kindergarten came, that he would not want to part with his hat. I shouldn't have ... in his typical laid back style, he stopped wearing the hat during the day for school and would put it back when he got home. Then he stopped wearing one all together. He had outgrown it, I suppose.

5. I am reminded of Michael's love of costumes. How he would go back to his room and come out as Spiderman or Batman or a Storm Trooper. He had a Spiderman costume that he got from my mom and dad when he was around 4. He would still put it on, even recently. Sure the pants were hitched around his knees, and there were holes in the seams, and it was threadbare. Didn't matter to him. He would still put it on. We laughed at our little super hero.

A hundred million little things that all add up to a life that was cut too short. I will keep sharing. To keep his memory going. Mostly for myself. But I appreciate that people read. And know what a special, special boy my son is. was.


Anne said...

Hunny, you will never forget! I really love reading your thoughts and stories, sometimes I smile, sometimes I give me therapy also, so keep on keeping on! You are not alone!

Nana and Pa said...

What a beautiful special boy. Pa and Nana miss him terribly too. We have our own special memories as well that will live in our hearts forever. No one could ask for a grandson as grand as he. We love you too honey and you, Michael and Stu are never away from our thoughts. Remember we will always be there for you.
Mom and Dad/Nana and Pa

Karen said...

A special boy with a special mom. Thank you for sharing with us.

Anonymous said...

I remember that same feeling of happiness when I'd see Tony waiting for me, with my diet coke from Chick-fil-a. I remember feeling sad everytime I dropped him off. But I knew I was going to have at least a little break with my friend Jenn at FSU Music Dept.
I actually came across some pictures of Michael today from the patriotic musical they did in Kindergarten. Michael was singing away while Tony was trying to hide out behind him!
Please keep posting your memories. I love getting to know him better.

HugandRelease said...

Thinking of you today!

JennyRay said...

Jenn - I read your blog, but I often find myself speechless....I don't know what to say. My heart aches for you. I love you. I want you to know I read even if can't figure out what to say. I love your stories of Michael. What a cool kid - just like his mommy.

Cindy said...

Thanks for sharing, Jenn. I love reading about MIchael and all of the things that you are willing to share with us about him. xoxo

Kim said...

As we've talked about, it's the little things that are probably the hardest...everyday moments that we take for granted, but are so special. You are so gracious to share your beautiful words and I also cry, laugh and just want to gobble up your pain. Keep writing, my friend, because you have a gift! Love to you always...