Anyway. I received the following quote in my inbox today:
carrying a recognizable picture of herself because she got dressed in the dark, so there's no telling how close she came to her usual self
Isn't that so applicable to me today? I am in my darkest of days. I do not resemble the Jenn Dooley of 6 weeks ago. I am not the same person. I don't remember her. I am these scattered bits and pieces and wonder if I will ever be able to scoop them up to arrange them in a way that at least resembles what used to be. I am totally dressing myself in the dark. I am but a shadow of myself.
I am a lesson in opposites these days. My outside face doesn't always reflect my inner face. I am a facade. I have learned to hold back my tears ... to sob more privately. So while I laugh on the outside, I cry on the inside. People tell me how strong I am. I certainly don't feel that way. I'm numb. I don't know how to feel anything. Other than sad. And sometimes angry, with a little bitter on the side.
So we'll see how close I come to my usual self. I wonder what she will look like.
5 comments:
I imagine she will be just as beautiful as the "old" Jenn, both inside and out. But most likely different in a lot of ways, too. When the unimaginable happens, it is impossible to be the same as you were before. To all of us, you may look the same on the outside. But I bet you will be totally different on the inside. Does that make sense? No matter, you will still be loved by all. We can't help it. We love you. Inside and out.
I know what you mean about feeling like a facade, like nothing on the outside matches what is inside. Sometimes I feel like if I go too long with the happy face on people will forget that I'm struggling with a chemically unbalanced head a.k.a. crazy in a bad way. I'm not sure that's always a good thing. It's almost like sometimes I wish people could see my sad so they will remember to be sweet. I don't know if I'm making sense, but remember I'm crazy.
Nicole
No matter what, we will love you for who you are today. It was so fun to laugh with you today, but I realize that those moments are underlined with the fact that your life will never be the same. You are a naturally fun person, just like Michael, and I love to see that side of you, but you don't need to pretend for anyone....baby steps. Love you and looking forward to seeing you again next week.
I've liked storypeople as well. We are all like that sometimes..proceeding through life looking like a flat triangular drawing, but really meaning so much more, feeling so much more. I have added your blog to mine. I feel your pain reverberate through it even through the years, the distance, the mere fact that I didn't know you that well to begin with. It is transcending all. For what it's worth, I'm listening..I hurt with you. You and your husband are in my thoughts literally every day.
Jen, I read this blog faithfully as I take in your words, thoughts, and feelings. This one made incredible sense to me and I do see the parallel of the quote with what you are going through right now. I do have to say that the grief and loss you are going thru with effect you for quite awhile, but I do feel that you will be the same just with a lot more gained knowledge about life. I believe there will be a day when you will smile, laugh....fully enjoy yourself without feeling guilty or sad or wrong. Again, it will take a good while, but just know that there are many of us out here who are thinking of you, your family, and we love you guys.
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