Monday, May 18, 2009

obstacles

Each day, each week is filled with obstacles to overcome.  Little landmines scattered throughout the days and weeks. To get through.  To wade through.  To hold my breath and hope to come out unscathed.

Nights are one of those hurdles.  Sleep is ever elusive.  I close my eyes and all I see are memories from that day.   Thoughts of Michael lying there with no sparkle in his eyes.  The looks of the faces of those trying to comfort us.  Replaying the call from the school.  All of those little details that make up that terrible, horrible day.  My mind won't stop.  I can't still my thoughts.  And so I stay up until I can't keep my eyes open for another minute.

Mornings.  I wake up with the promise of a new day and instantly remember.  And each time, the realization still shakes me to my core.  I have gone back to work.  And every time I walk in my office, I cry.  I sit in front of my computer screen and wonder what it is I am supposed to be doing.  And then I pack up for the day, only to repeat the same pattern the next day.

As I have mentioned before, the time of 2:42 pm is hard.  As is 11:46 am now.  Thursdays are another hurdle.  Friday nights are troubling.  Weekends no longer have the same joyousness.  Who wants to sit for two days in a quiet house?  Without plans for new adventures?  The start of a new week holds no hope.  Tuesday afternoons haunt me.   Wednesday nights were always big homework nights.  Now, I don't know what to do on those nights.

There is no day, no moment that is untouched with my profound sorrow.  I hurt.  Deeply.  It is a struggle to acclimate to this new world without my Michael.  I don't want to.  I have no desire to move on.  Or find a new normal.  I want what I had.  

Not to brace myself, steel myself for these everyday moments.  

4 comments:

Kim said...

of course...a thousand little things. I still weep with you, although I can never fully understand. love you.

Cindy said...

Just getting through each day at this point is such a major challenge. How you are managing, no one can ever imagine. We are here for you, for whatever small comfort we can provide. You are loved and Michael will not be forgotten. Ever.

Jenny said...

You are still in my thoughts and prayers. All of you.

Maybe there are ways to use your grief for good. I don't know what they are, but they must exist. I'll have to ponder on it. I think of you often. In reality I hardly know you, but I just feel so connected after those 3 days. i think of you often and wish for a good and happy future for you.

Jenny

Anonymous said...

Jenn,
I read your blog every day and want you to know that I am ALWAYS thinking of you. You were always such a strong person and I admired you so much; I know it has to be so difficult to remain strong at a time like this, though. Just know that there are so many people that are praying and thinking of you each and every day! Also, know that Michael will forever be with you!
Love,
Kara