Friday, May 08, 2009

one month ago

I have always loved the number 9.  It is the day of my birth.  It is my user number for the scale in our bathroom.  It was the end of my number in Powder Puff football in high school.  It is the number I always pick when asked to pick a number between 1 and 10.

Now, I'm not certain it is such a great number.  It is the age of my son when he left this earth.  It is the day of the month of April that I said goodbye.  

It has been one month.  The longest month of my life.  

Of course, I have learned some things along the way.  I thought it might be good to share some of them in this forum, along with some of the things I am missing:
  • The cemetery is a popular place to be on a Friday night.  
  • The sound of legos being sucked into the vacuum cleaner is music to my ears.
  • Stepping over a storm trooper or two while showering is more fun than a clean shower floor.
  • Grief is a very personal endeavor.  Everyone grieves very differently.  And that is OK.
  • I look at my watch everyday at 2:42 pm.  And everyday, regardless of the day of the week, I think that I should see Michael walking down the driveway.  Home from school. Everyday, regardless of the day of the week, I am disappointed.
  • The first time I do anything without Michael is always the hardest.  And doesn't really get easier.  I still cannot go to the grocery store.  I have pulled into the parking lot 3 times now and have always had to leave before getting out of the car.
  • Nights are hard for me.  I miss Michael sneaking out of bed.  I miss him grumbling about taking his aspirin and vitamin.  I miss him trying to get out of taking a shower or brushing his teeth.  I miss crawling into the bottom bunk and snuggling for a few minutes.  
  • The resilience of children astounds me.
  • The highlight of my day was always seeing Michael.  And now, the highlight of my day is seeing Michael.  Only now, I visit him at a cemetery.  Where he still has Star Wars figures and now a Spiderman surrounding him.
  • Michael was right when he said "She is Amazing" when asked about his fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Branch.  I will be forever grateful to her.
  • Late night television is not full of great choices.  I have not been to sleep before 3:00 am since that terrible, horrible day.
  • I am in awe of how Michael touched other people's lives.
  • The way Michael said Mommy was so special.  
  • Candy is not as much of a treat as it was when we would purchase it together.
And this one deserves to stand out from the rest:
  • I have THE MOST amazing and supportive family and friends.  Don't argue with me on this one.  I will win EVERY TIME.  Never have I ever felt such love from so many.  Never will I ever have the right words to say how thankful I am for each of you.  Never will I ever stop thanking you for your calls, e-mails, prayers, cards, thoughts, memories, etc.  

10 comments:

Cindy said...

It is we who are honored by you and who are blessed every day to have you and your family in our lives. We love you and we are missing your boy right along with you, my friend.

Nicole said...

We're the lucky ones to have you, Stu and Michael in our lives.What a blessing you've given to your friends and family with this web site. It's a way for us to grieve with you even though we're far away.

Kim said...

We ARE the lucky ones and those everyday memories are what make you such an amazing mom and person. You are surrounded by such love only because you give it out and that will never stop. Love you & here for you.....

Chad W said...

**weeping**

Anonymous said...

Love you baby. You are always in my thoughts. I miss Michael too and I'm so grateful to you for sharing. You are so amazing.
Love, Mom

Stacie said...

Thank you for sharing. Praying for you...

Much love,
Stacie Smith
www.smithscooptexas.blogspot.com

Jenny Gruenewald said...

You say that Michael taught you but by you sharing this blog it is teaching us. Thank you for the honesty that you share. Writing allows you to grieve and though we cannot even begin to comprehend your pain, it allows us to laugh, smile and cry about Michael with you everyday that you write. Xander & I have so many funny memories of Michael from Kindergarten. Sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry but we always smile when we are done b/c we feel so blessed to have known him, if only for a short time. We saw you at Toys R Us or Target all the time! I know the next time we go we will be looking for you, Stu and Michael. Or Stu in the parking lot picking up the latest Star Wars gadget. Your memories will keep him alive in our hearts.

Ms. Trish said...

i know u don't know me but ur blog was shared by ragamuffinsoul.com and well....i just want to say i am so sorry for your loss.

i am PRAYING for you. your blog has touched my heart today in ways you will never know.

i was having an exceptionally rough day emotionally as i am a single mom myself. and reading this blog put my emotions back in perspective and has taught me much.

thank you for writing your heart out. know that u have a friend out here in Los Angeles who is praying for you.

whittakerwoman said...

Thanks for letting me stop and cherish the things that drive me nuts. Thank you for being real and honest! H

Anonymous said...

Hi Jenn,
I am Cindy's friend from Jax, Kristi. We met awhile ago at her house. I just want you to know that I have been praying for you and your hubby. I am deeply sad for your loss and touched by these great words of love and tribute that you write about Michael on your blog.