one month ago

I have always loved the number 9.  It is the day of my birth.  It is my user number for the scale in our bathroom.  It was the end of my number in Powder Puff football in high school.  It is the number I always pick when asked to pick a number between 1 and 10.

Now, I'm not certain it is such a great number.  It is the age of my son when he left this earth.  It is the day of the month of April that I said goodbye.  

It has been one month.  The longest month of my life.  

Of course, I have learned some things along the way.  I thought it might be good to share some of them in this forum, along with some of the things I am missing:

• The cemetery is a popular place to be on a Friday night.  
• The sound of legos being sucked into the vacuum cleaner is music to my ears.
• Stepping over a storm trooper or two while showering is more fun than a clean shower floor.
• Grief is a very personal endeavor.  Everyone grieves very differently.  And that is OK.
• I look at my watch everyday at 2:42 pm.  And everyday, regardless of the day of the week, I think that I should see Michael walking down the driveway.  Home from school. Everyday, regardless of the day of the week, I am disappointed.
• The first time I do anything without Michael is always the hardest.  And doesn't really get easier.  I still cannot go to the grocery store.  I have pulled into the parking lot 3 times now and have always had to leave before getting out of the car.
• Nights are hard for me.  I miss Michael sneaking out of bed.  I miss him grumbling about taking his aspirin and vitamin.  I miss him trying to get out of taking a shower or brushing his teeth.  I miss crawling into the bottom bunk and snuggling for a few minutes.  
• The resilience of children astounds me.
• The highlight of my day was always seeing Michael.  And now, the highlight of my day is seeing Michael.  Only now, I visit him at a cemetery.  Where he still has Star Wars figures and now a Spiderman surrounding him.
• Michael was right when he said "She is Amazing" when asked about his fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Branch.  I will be forever grateful to her.
• Late night television is not full of great choices.  I have not been to sleep before 3:00 am since that terrible, horrible day.
• I am in awe of how Michael touched other people's lives.
• The way Michael said Mommy was so special.  
• Candy is not as much of a treat as it was when we would purchase it together.

And this one deserves to stand out from the rest:

• I have THE MOST amazing and supportive family and friends.  Don't argue with me on this one.  I will win EVERY TIME.  Never have I ever felt such love from so many.  Never will I ever have the right words to say how thankful I am for each of you.  Never will I ever stop thanking you for your calls, e-mails, prayers, cards, thoughts, memories, etc.