Monday, May 25, 2009


I have moments.  Of extreme sorrow.  They sneak up on me when I least expect it.  I also have moments.  Of extreme anger.  I am mad and want to lash out.  I am mad and want someone to be held accountable for righting this wrong.  This incomprehensible act.  

The taking away of my precious boy.

Stu and I went to see Night at the Museum 2 on Saturday.  A movie that we would have/should have taken Michael to see.  I couldn't laugh.  I knew every moment that Michael would have laughed.  The kind of laugh where no sound comes out because it was just. that. funny.  The kind where his whole mouth would go wide and he would look at me with big eyes and the most musical sound would come out.  His laugh.  His guffaw.  I knew those moments.  And the joy that we would have shared ...  would have remembered long after the credits rolled ... was not there.  I couldn't laugh.  Because HE can not laugh.

And I was mad.  We left the movie and I was angry.  I was feeling sorry for myself.  And angry that my child was taken from me.  I don't know what to do with myself in those moments.  I lash out.  I sob.  I find it hard to breathe.  

I feel incomplete.  I am overwhelmed.

And I am selfish.  I am not able to be a comfort to anyone else.  My grief is whole and I have no room for other parts.  Stu and I are grieving.  Alongside each other.  But in different ways.  That's OK.  There is no right or wrong way.  

Tomorrow is the dedication of the Memorial Garden at Michael's school.  His class assisted in designing the garden and created 9 stepping stones for him (7 to spell out his name and 2 more - the class wanted to have 9 as that was his age).  The class also participated in the planting of the flowers.  My parents are here for it.  We will have pizza afterwards.  I made cookies.  My friend Carmen is bringing fruit.  Mrs. Branch is bringing drinks.   Michael loved the pizza parties at school.  It seemed fitting to have one after the garden dedication.  Michael loved his class.  He LOVED his teacher.  I am glad to be with them for the day.  To hear their Michael moments.

I just can't believe he won't be there.  


Cindy said...

Will be thinking of you today. I'm sure it will be a beautiful dedication. He will always be remembered at KLES, and what a wonderful way they have chosen to honor him.

Tom said...

Hey Jenn,
Just wanted to let you know that I've been feeling sad today. I've been thinking of you and yours all day. The ceremony sounds like it was a really good tribute, and the garden seems to be very special...from the hearts of Michael's classmates.Your Mom told me about the Thunder Clap,so maybe Michael shares your anger. I hope you're OK and taking care of yourself.
Love you,
Uncle Tom

Don and Mer said...

Hi Jenn, Merilee and I have been reading your blogs and Stu's. We just want you to know that we love you and are keeping you both in our prayers and thoughts. Hope the ceremony at the school went well today.
Love, Don and Mertilee