Monday, June 01, 2009

differences. similarities.

Some friends of ours had a baby the same week that Michael left us.  Their little one arrived on a Monday.  Our little one left us on a Thursday. 

It is interesting to me the similarities that I have encountered with these seemingly very different life events.  As they are preparing for life with a baby, we are preparing for life without.  

But we both have received meatloafs.  And chicken casseroles from friends.  Both of our families receive cards.  And the thoughts from many. 

They picked out a going home from the hospital outfit.  I picked an outfit for burial.  

Both of our families are struggling with sleep.  They don't sleep because the baby cries.  I don't sleep because I cry.  And routines.  They are establishing routines while I am fighting against a routine.  Because routine means that the world continues to spin.

They measure their little one's age in weeks.  I measure my loss in weeks.  And soon those will turn to months.  And then years with half years sprinkled in to measure time.  

They will document firsts.  I struggle through firsts.  And lasts.  And then will struggle when firsts become seconds.    They will lament the fact that time goes by quickly.  That their baby is growing up.  I will agree with them.  That time goes by quickly.  They will wish for time to stand still ... for their little one to stop growing.  I will agree.  And wish for time to reverse.  To get my baby back.  And to treasure each moment. To document it so that I don't forget even the tiniest of detail.

They look forward.  I look back.  
They think of what will be.  I think of what could have been.

5 comments:

Kim said...

Such profound words ...we talked about this in person, but your writing makes it all so clear. We will always look back with you and remember the love of your life. Michael will live on in our hearts forever. Love you.

Stacie said...

Well said. Thanks for continuing to write in such a transparent way. It really helps us know how to best pray for you right now.

Much love,
Stacie Smith

Cindy said...

Big hugs from me to you.

Martha said...

Jenn, you should put all this in a book. You are such a wonderful writer! I feel closer when I read your words. I love you!!

Ange said...

I agree, you are so good with words. And I hope this writing is therapeutic, you are amazing. Love you, Korean Sister. -A