Tuesday, June 30, 2009

one day more...


Michael was born at 6:52 pm on July 1.  In Cincinnati, Ohio. (Where, according to Michael, there are really  tall buildings.  And hot dog vendors.)  Mine was a difficult pregnancy.  So he was to be induced.  To better watch both of us.

I checked into the hospital the night before.  Where I was unable to get up from the bed.  And was not able to eat or drink anything after midnight.  Only ice chips for me.   

That night was a mix of emotion.  Excitement. For this new little bundle of boy-ness to come into my life.   Terror.  At the thought that I was about to be a mother ( I seriously considered asking if we could just wait a week.  I'd come back much better prepared. Right?)  Anxiousness.  About Michael's little heart.  What it would take in the beginning to keep it beating.  To stabilize him.  What the plan would be for the next week.  The next month.  The next year.

That night.  I was a bundle of nerves.  I couldn't sleep - partially because it was my first overnight in a hospital and I was terrified that I would pull the IV out - and partially because of the overwhelming emotions I was experiencing.  

I was meeting my little boy.  For the very first time.  He had been a part of me for 9 months.  I took him on Mommy-Fetus night outs.  We'd go to the movies and eat ice cream and popcorn. (See how Michael's love for movies started out in the womb?  He would say that he peeked through my belly button and ate the crumbs from my ice cream and popcorn.) 

The next day would be my very first time seeing his face.  And to touch his skin.  And to hold his hand.  And to make guesses about who he looked the most like.  To hold him.  and smooch him.  And rock him to sleep.  

That night.  Was a rough one. 
This night.  Will be a rough one. 

For very different reasons.  This is the night where I will only have memories, pictures to see Michael's face.  This is the night where I will only have memories of Michael's skin.  This is the night where I will only be able to touch his marker.  To blow kisses to the wind.

I will be a bundle of emotions again.  Just like I was 10 years ago.  Only with no great reward at the end for the long journey through labor.  I will not be joined in the excitement of my beautiful boy's arrival into this world.

I will be joined in sadness at the departure of my beautiful boy.  From this world.
The birthday countdown continues.  
I just want the world to stop spinning.
So I can catch my breath...

9 comments:

Tammy On the Go said...

as much as my gut hurts when I read your words, I can not even imagine your pain. So all I do is pray for you and remember your boy. Still trying to find his name in something...

Kim said...

I am trying to think of a way to celebrate Michael's Birthday for him tomorrow. Maybe a sweet treat in the afternoon or some dancing to some of the tunes on Michael's soundtrack in the evening? I will let you know what I decide on! Sending love and hoping for peace for you during these next 48 hours.

Mom and Dad said...

Words escape me. Your daddy and I were with you then and our hearts are with you now, always and forever. We didn't sleep either. Tomorrow, before we leave to come there...we will let ten balloons go in the middle of the lake in Michael's memory. The memory of a beautiful boy who was very loved.

Kim said...

Oh Jenn- my heart is just aching for you and I wish I could take the pain away. Michael's 10th birthday is certainly not the way you planned...sending you all the birthday love I can find and the offer still stands. Love you!

Wendy said...

I will be honoring Michael and thinking of him as soon as I wake up tomorrow. I have an unusually early and hard day for myself tomorrow, but your sweet boy will be in my thoughts when I wake up, and those thoughts will most likely get me through the day. I will eat something sweet (and off my diet) in his honor, and dance a crazy happy birthday dance with my husband and Killer Popsicle when I get home tomorrow night. I am hoping for peace for you and your family tonight and tomorrow, and the days ahead.

Stacy Pike said...

I am lifting you up in prayer and know that God is the only One who can help you and Stu face tomorrow and the days ahead.

Anne Thomas said...

Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers....God will give you strength!

Sara in Tally said...

I will be praying for you. Keep breathing. Put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. He's watching you and loving you. Take comfort in what a great mommy you are and what an inspiration to others you are. I don't know you but a friend referred me to your blog and I think of you every day and your son every day. And I am striving to be the kind of mother you are. Truly Truly you have helped me.

Anonymous said...

Jenn, We tried to get Michael's name in front of the welcome signs. We got Georgia, south Carolina, North Carolina and VA. By the time we got to Maryland it was raining and dark.Deleware had no sign to be seen. At midnight we yelled out the moonroof as loud as we could Happy Birthday Michael as we were driving through VA. I will send the pictures as soon as I figure out how to send them from my phone.I have weeped for you all week and will continue to think of you,especially tomorrow.
Love,
Nicole