Tuesday, June 23, 2009

birthday countdown

Michael's birthday is coming up in one week and one day.  I am simultaneously pushing it away and pulling it towards me.  I am not ready for it.  And yet, I just want to wake up and find myself on the other side of it.  Of course, the other side of it is where exactly?  I can't imagine a time where I will wake up and not feel the hurt of not being able to spend my baby's 10th birthday WITH him.  I will celebrate it FOR him. But he will not be there.

He will not be there to blow out his candles.  On the cake that Nana will make for him.  He will not be there to tear the wrapping paper off of his gifts.  He will not be there to watch a Star Wars movie with close friends and family.  He will not be there to participate in the annual birthday scavenger hunt.  Or pick out the special birthday dinner.  Or countdown the days until he is double digits.

But I am here to do all those things.  And all I want to do is crawl into a ball and cover my head with my covers.  To sleep through this momentous occasion.

I wonder if Michael will always remain 9 in my memory.  If he will age.  

I feel a bit like the movie Groundhog Day.  Where the same events keep happening.  With the same results.  Every day, I have the same realization.  That Michael is not coming back.  It is like I process the information over and over again.  Praying ... hoping for a different result.  Praying ... hoping that this is the day the cycle is broken.

I am unfocused.  I am sad.  I am weepy.
I am here.  Waiting.  Steeling myself. 
Trying to stop the cycle.  And failing.
Miserably.

10 comments:

Tammy On the Go said...

fellow mom remembering you today.

Karen said...

Thinking of you.

Marcie said...

This first year of markers is so hard. And you're only 2 months out which is so soon to have to face something like a birthday. It's ok to be weepy and in a ball. It's ok.
All my love to you today and every day. Can't wait to get there...

Kim said...

Sending love. Sending love. Sending love. Sending love. Sending love. Sending love. Sending love. X 1600

Anonymous said...

I wish there was a way to hug you over the internet. I look at the calendar everyday and wonder how you must be feeling. Wondering how you could/would "celebrate" it. I cried on Tony's 10th, double digits! It seemed to happen so quickly, in the blink of an eye. I felt guilty for feeling sad b/c I am lucky he's here with me, but at the same time I couldn't help myself. Time has slipped away and I barely noticed it happening.
We will be on our way to Philly on Michael's birthday, stopping in VA. Tony has already planned out all of the places we will taking pictures of MICHAEL, #1 at the Rocky statue. He has gone so far as to practicing taking pictures of things really high up. He also wants to stop at each "welcome to ..." at each state line to take pictures. Hopefully our hotel will have internet so I can send them.
I love you!
nicole

Rebekah said...

I'll be thinking of you. I understand the wanting it to pass yet not being ready for it yet.

Kim said...

Love you friend.....here for you on any day- big or small.

HugandRelease said...

There are no word that I can say that can make your hurt go away. I pray for peace and I ask God to make the next day a little easier on your heart. That you remember Michael with a smile on your face tomorrow and less tears in your eyes except for the tears of knowing that he is in Heaven and our Lord. Michael has everlasting life and everlasting love and a glorious place to spend it only to anticipate the day that he may hug you! I hurt for you and love you!

Martha Robbins said...

Aargh! I wish SO BADLY there was something substantial I could do to ease your pain. It aggravates me so that I can't help. Know that I still pray for you and Stu (and your folks). Let me know when you're ready for time away from Tallahassee and I'll gather the family up for a get together and we can reminisce Michael together. Love you!!! Martha

Anne said...

Failing miserably, you are not....you are a very normal, couragous lady....and you have a purpose here...to keep Michael's memory alive, and you are doing a wonderful job! I pray that God will give you the strength to get thru everyday that passes, Michael is in great hands till you meet again....from my heart to yours...