He will not be there to blow out his candles. On the cake that Nana will make for him. He will not be there to tear the wrapping paper off of his gifts. He will not be there to watch a Star Wars movie with close friends and family. He will not be there to participate in the annual birthday scavenger hunt. Or pick out the special birthday dinner. Or countdown the days until he is double digits.
But I am here to do all those things. And all I want to do is crawl into a ball and cover my head with my covers. To sleep through this momentous occasion.
I wonder if Michael will always remain 9 in my memory. If he will age.
I feel a bit like the movie Groundhog Day. Where the same events keep happening. With the same results. Every day, I have the same realization. That Michael is not coming back. It is like I process the information over and over again. Praying ... hoping for a different result. Praying ... hoping that this is the day the cycle is broken.
I am unfocused. I am sad. I am weepy.
I am here. Waiting. Steeling myself.
Trying to stop the cycle. And failing.