Wednesday, March 10, 2010

the missings.

I have these days where I just want my old life back. Where I talk about normal things. And do normal things. And think normal things.

Today was one of those days.

I want to be planning Spring Break. I want to be stressing about FCAT testing. I want to be looking forward to the summer. And making dinner for my TWO boys. And waiting for my one little boy to come home from school. To talk about his day. To do homework together. And tell him twelve times to pick up his room.

I want to go to dinner and enjoy it. Instead of struggling with our little two seater booth. Of being "just two for dinner tonight".

I miss our family. I miss the crazy normalcy of it all.
I miss my old life. I want to freeze those crazy moments of getting ready in the morning. Of the reminders to walk straight home from school. I miss packing lunch. I miss signing my name as Michael's mom.

Most of all. I miss the normalcy of grabbing a hand as we cross the road. Of one last snuggle and kiss goodnight. Of the I love you's.

Of looking for Michael in a crowd and my heart leaping for joy.
That he was MY child. MY son.
What a blessing! What an imagination!
What a wonderfully weird kid!
(That is a compliment in our house)

Once again, this grief reaches up. Punching me in the throat.
Grief is a jerk.



3 comments:

Wendy said...

“To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness"

Hey. I know this has nothing to do with your new post, but more about the post you wrote about challenges. I had this quote hidden somewhere in the back of my head and it was niggling at me. Just found it. I don't know if it helps, at all, but this quote came forefront to my mind when thinking about your post the other day. Much xoxoxo on my side, truly. (BTW - I do most of my 'at-home' work away from home,and constantly end up at Atlanta Bread because of their quiet atmosphere and wireless. Not a day goes by that I don't step in there and think of your post about Michael and the karate coupon.) Hope that is not hurtful ... just know that I have Michael in my thoughts a lot.

Kim said...

I concur! Grief is a JERK. Love you friend!

Bethany said...

Jenn,
I heard about Michael from Angela Baggett Miller and while you may not remember me I went to Berry College with you a short time and lived down the hall from you in the dorm. Several months ago I came across your blog and began following your story. Your family stays in my heart and I dare say a day goes by without a prayer sent up for you. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. You are so right- Grief is a jerk.
Keeping you in my heart.