Monday, July 06, 2009

messy

Grief is messy. 
  
In public, I have a very different face from the face that I see in the mirror.  In public, I can laugh.  I can joke.  I can seem as though my life is on track.  That it has some sort of normalcy to it.  

In private, I do not sleep.  Or I sleep too much.  I am a juxtaposition of sleep.  I cry.  A lot.  I zombie walk through the day.  I frown.  Deeply.  There is nothing normal about this life.

I am struggling with work.  Work is struggling with me.  Tasks that used to be easy.  And would take minutes.  I take more time to complete.  The Jenn that I was in March is not the Jenn that I am now.  I can not accomplish as much as I used to.  I can not motivate myself to care.

And the guilt that comes with that is crushing.  The thought that I am letting people down gives me a stomach ache.  I pressure myself.  And by doing so, I shut down.  I am unable to cope.  I don't know how to make it easier on myself.  I don't know how to make it easier on others.  I am unable to balance.  

Because this grief is messy.  And I am working my way through it.  
Because this grief is messy and I don't care about cleaning it up.  

Because time is ticking away and deadlines approach.  And pass me by.  Because those deadlines are gone.  And the only thing I can think of is the deadline of Michael's life.  That he had a deadline.  That passed us by.  That I didn't know about it.

I am doing my best.  I am trying.  It might not be up to others standards.  I wish I could say that it didn't bother me.  That not meeting someone else's standards was not important to me.  That as long as I was meeting my own standards it was OK.  But it I can't say that.  And so the messiness continues.

Oh.  This grief is messy.
And as much as I might try to clean it up, the dust will continue to come.  
It is a process.  And so I will take continue to dust it.  One knick knack at a time.
Being very gentle.
To not break anything.

9 comments:

Tammy On the Go said...

You are beautiful.

Mom said...

One knick knack at a time. One breath at a time. One day at a time. One moment at a time. I love you with all my heart.

Anonymous said...

Jenn,
You have been through a devestating tragedy, losing your beautiful little child. I can't imagine what it is like or how I would be afterwards. Just the fact that you go to work is a massive accomplishment. In my opinion you are a very strong lady. I am sending you big big hugs and continue to pray for you and your family.
God Bless all of you,

Love, Denise (Tyler's mom)

Cindy said...

Easy does it.Take your time.Lean on others.Don't worry about the messy-ness.Take care of yourself.You are remarkable.You are loved.

Rebekah said...

It's ok if things take longer or even if you have to set them aside altogether. I know it's hard wearing masks all the time and pretending things are ok when your world has collapsed. Just take things one moment at a time and allow others to help you get through things too (I know that can be easier said than done).
Wishing you peace & love

Kim said...

Baby steps. You are surrounded by people who are here to help you with "life" while you take care of yourself. Love you, friend.

Ange said...

There is not a deadline on your grief, dear friend. Taking care of YOU is most important right now. Love, love, love!

Nic D. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nic D. said...

You know Jenn, it's been a year since my Grandmother died and I'm STILL grieving and in the most superficial ways sometimes. Just today, I wished she was still alive because I've got no one to teach me how to knit or I don't know which old movies to Netflix and she'd know those answers. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it and the thing I've learned (I actually got this from the play "Rabbit Hole") is that grief doesn't really go away, at least not in the way we would think it would. You learn to live with it and as the days go by, this huge boulder that you've been shouldering of grief will become a small brick in your pocket that you will always carry with you. I guess my point is don't feel like grief is this formulaic, time constricted thing you gotta get past. People grieve differently. We learn to continue on and turn that grief into a memorial of sorts-- to let that person become a part of us and take their Good with us. They become a part of us. and the fact that we keep living? It's almost as if through our living, they live as well on a whole another level.