In public, I have a very different face from the face that I see in the mirror. In public, I can laugh. I can joke. I can seem as though my life is on track. That it has some sort of normalcy to it.
In private, I do not sleep. Or I sleep too much. I am a juxtaposition of sleep. I cry. A lot. I zombie walk through the day. I frown. Deeply. There is nothing normal about this life.
I am struggling with work. Work is struggling with me. Tasks that used to be easy. And would take minutes. I take more time to complete. The Jenn that I was in March is not the Jenn that I am now. I can not accomplish as much as I used to. I can not motivate myself to care.
And the guilt that comes with that is crushing. The thought that I am letting people down gives me a stomach ache. I pressure myself. And by doing so, I shut down. I am unable to cope. I don't know how to make it easier on myself. I don't know how to make it easier on others. I am unable to balance.
Because this grief is messy. And I am working my way through it.
Because this grief is messy and I don't care about cleaning it up.
Because time is ticking away and deadlines approach. And pass me by. Because those deadlines are gone. And the only thing I can think of is the deadline of Michael's life. That he had a deadline. That passed us by. That I didn't know about it.
I am doing my best. I am trying. It might not be up to others standards. I wish I could say that it didn't bother me. That not meeting someone else's standards was not important to me. That as long as I was meeting my own standards it was OK. But it I can't say that. And so the messiness continues.
Oh. This grief is messy.
And as much as I might try to clean it up, the dust will continue to come.
It is a process. And so I will take continue to dust it. One knick knack at a time.
Being very gentle.
To not break anything.