Monday, April 27, 2009

Limbo.

Mondays are hard.  It is the fresh start of a new week.  A new beginning with 7 days of possibilities.  A new week without my Michael.  I wonder if the beginning of months will be the same way.  Like with May coming up.  I only had a total 8 months of May with Michael.  

I know that firsts are always difficult.  The first time we stayed overnight in the house was difficult.  As was my first time to Target.  The first time eating out.  The first holiday.

As we approach Mother's Day, I find myself turning away from the commercials that advertise this holiday.  I am a mother.  But of a child that will not give me a homemade card.  Or a smooch and a hug.  I am a mother of a child.  That is not with me any longer.  

And so I feel in limbo.  I carry around a shirt that was Michael's.  I sit in my bed and don't often come out of my room.  I know that I must carry on.  And I find that to be difficult.   I find it hard to talk.  I wonder if the next time I am around people if they will be waiting for me to cry.  I wonder when I will laugh without feeling guilt.

I take these days one day at a time.  I am a planner by nature.  But find it difficult to plan now. For now, I will follow the advice given in the movie Sleepless in Seattle:   I will just put one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe.  

4 comments:

keri said...

i'm glad you are continuing to blog...i hope its theraputic to write out your thoughts and feelings. and although i have no idea what it must feel like to lose a child, it helps us to understand what's going on in your heart. hugs.

Kim said...

I commend you for having the courage to put this all down on "paper". You are much braver than you give yourself credit, my friend! And you'll continue to get stronger to face people, places and holidays. In the meantime, take the time you want to spend how you want to spend it....I love you and am here for you- whenever.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jenn. I was web surfing and I just came across your site. I don't know who you are but your story has touched my heart. I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope you're doing well and I pray that you'll get stronger each day. Take care.

Stephanie Miller said...

Jenn,
I too lost my daughter at the age of three due to complications from HRHS. I found out about your blog thru some friends. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I have enjoyed looking at pictures of your handsome boy. I know how terribly hard grief is in the first few months and the first year. I know writing was healing for me. I hope you have some peace with your years of memories with your amazing son. Heart Hugs

Stephanie Miller
Mom to Lauren Faith Miller my angel girl and Miranda my earth angel keeping me together.