Limbo.

Mondays are hard.  It is the fresh start of a new week.  A new beginning with 7 days of possibilities.  A new week without my Michael.  I wonder if the beginning of months will be the same way.  Like with May coming up.  I only had a total 8 months of May with Michael.  

I know that firsts are always difficult.  The first time we stayed overnight in the house was difficult.  As was my first time to Target.  The first time eating out.  The first holiday.

As we approach Mother's Day, I find myself turning away from the commercials that advertise this holiday.  I am a mother.  But of a child that will not give me a homemade card.  Or a smooch and a hug.  I am a mother of a child.  That is not with me any longer.  

And so I feel in limbo.  I carry around a shirt that was Michael's.  I sit in my bed and don't often come out of my room.  I know that I must carry on.  And I find that to be difficult.   I find it hard to talk.  I wonder if the next time I am around people if they will be waiting for me to cry.  I wonder when I will laugh without feeling guilt.

I take these days one day at a time.  I am a planner by nature.  But find it difficult to plan now. For now, I will follow the advice given in the movie Sleepless in Seattle:   I will just put one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe.