Saturday, January 09, 2010


Nine months.

I have rearranged every room in my house in that time.
Except one.
Michael's room has remained, for the most part, untouched.
His bed is rumpled.
His pajamas from the night before remain in the dirty clothes hamper.
His toys are left where he put them.

Only his shoes are back.
The one item of his that I walked out of the hospital with on that day.
His clothes were in no shape to come home with us.
Just his shoes. Placed back in his room.

His door is closed.
I don't go in to his room often.
And we have no plans to change it. Any time soon.
That time will come when we are ready. And we are not yet there.

It has been nine months.
The missing. The aching. Doesn't stop with time.
I now know what it is to be without Michael.
And I don't like it. A bit.


Mom said...

I have no words of wisdom. I have no words that will soften your grief. I have no words to describe the way that I feel. The only words I have are I love you and my mind is always with you. I was thinking today of how proud I am to be your Mother and how proud I am that I have a daughter that is so full of grace. And how lucky I was to be Michael's Nana. Oh how I love him and what joy he brought to me.

Karen said...

I wish I had the words. There are none. I do think about you, Stu, and Michael so often. Eleven days ago I was able to hold my beloved Aunt Rema's hand while she passed from this life to the next. It didn't take long before I thought -oh,I hope she meets Michael right away, they will love each other. She's the sweetest person I ever knew and she will love his mischievous side.
Today the workers were out caring for Michael's garden; I appreciate that even in the winter they are taking care to make sure it stays looking nice.
Thinking of you, the bravest person I know.

Jenny Miller said...

I have no idea how I stumbled upon your blog. All I know is this entire week I have happened upon blogs of those who have lost their precious children or spouses.

I just read your entire blog from start to finish.

I really don't know what to say, as I know words by themselves will not mean much coming from someone who has not lost something so precious as you. I learned to love Michael by reading about him through your blog and seeing him through your hearts.

I feel us connect in the love we have for our children. Michael seemed like one of a kind. I was blessed to know him through your blog tonight.

Thank you for being transparent enough to show us your pain of your journey as raw as it got and not apologizing for it. Your strength (and you probably don't feel like you have much) is amazing.

This holiday season must have been so hard for you, and here you are on the other side of it, breathing and living.

God Bless you so much.